Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
----------------------------------------------------
From a defendant representing himself ...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---------------------------------------------------
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow
hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed,
and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's
motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Betty?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q! : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.