1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

23. So what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

30. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

31. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

32. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

33. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

34. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

35. The secret to finding something is knowing where it is.

36. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

37. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

38. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

39. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

40. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

41. Allow me to introduce my selves.

42. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

45. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

46. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

47. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

48. Earth is full. Go home.

49. Is it time for your medication or mine?

50. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

51. What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

52. I love defenseless animals. Especially in a good gravy.

53. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

54. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

55. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

56. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

57. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

58. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

59. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

60. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

61. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

62. I poured Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

63. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

64. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

65. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

66. The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.

67. There's no future in time travel.

68. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

69. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.

70. Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

71. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

72. Death is hereditary.

73. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

74. Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!

75. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

76. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

77. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

78. Err is to human as moo is to bovine.

79. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

80. Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

81. MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."

82. How does Teflon stick to the pan?

83. Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis"

84. NOT a morning person doesn't even begin to cover it.

85. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.

86. I'd like to take you out and leave you there.

87. All stressed out and no one to choke.

88. Better active today than radio active tomorrow.

89. Born again Pagan.

90. Denial is not a river in Egypt.

91. Don't play with my button.

92. Foreign aid is the transfer of money from poor people in a rich country to rich people in a poor country.

93. I believe in reincarnation. I'm coming back rich and skinny.

94. I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

95. If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

96. Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

97. Learn to think for a living.

98. Lets do it my way and get it right the first time.

99. Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

100. The only reason for time is so that everyting doesn't happen all at once.

101. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

102. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

103. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

104. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

105. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

106. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

107. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

108. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

109 God must love stupid people; he made so many.

110. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

111. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

112. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

113. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

114. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

115. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

116. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

117. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.