|
Answering machine messages |
|
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually,
I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. " beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi! Forrest's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi. Now you say something. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Very fast. Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (Start, low pitch, slow Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later, high pitch, fast) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish).kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine. ___ isn't home right now, but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close and we tell each other everything. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- You have reached the number which you have dialled. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Hi, you know the drill. Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this? (After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so please leave a message after the beep. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Just put on a recording of a busy signal. |
|
 |
